30 Rookie Lesbian Dating Errors We Created Before 30 | GO Mag

I’ll most likely never disregard the very first standard lesbian blunder I available. I was puffing on a cigarette smoking outside of a lesbian club, searching all bleary-eyed and angst-ridden when an older dyke, most likely about fifteen many years my personal senior, emerged sauntering on up to me.

“What’s her name?” She questioned me, leaning against the graffitied cement wall surface, pulling a lighter away from the woman back pocket like some type of 1940s swashbuckler.


“Oh, honey.” The puzzle lesbian mentioned. “It is obvious you are troubled about a female.” She seemed me long and difficult into the eyes and drastically elevated the woman bushy remaining brow. “i am aware that appearance.”

I stamped away my personal smoke. “It’s that apparent?” We squeaked.

She lit the woman smoke and sucked back a superb drag of smoking. “Yes.”

We sighed. “Great. Not one of my pals will keep in touch with me because we drunkenly connected with among their particular exes.” We gazed into my personal dirty Converse shoes wanting to know how hell they got therefore filthy.

Had we blacked out and eliminated climbing?

a sluggish laugh stretched alone throughout the puzzle lesbian’s weathered-looking face. “Rookie mistake.”

“I don’t see what the top package is! they have been broken up for just two f*cking decades!” We almost spat.

“seem, kiddo. Never shit where you consume.” And just that way, she was actually eliminated. I possibly could hear the girl chuckling to by herself as she cheerfully waddled into the club, leaving us to stew in nervous sweats of my “rookie error.”

Which could were the most important rookie blunder I made if it came to the mystical underworld of lesbian really love and sex, but I want to ensure you, it surely wasn’t the very last. I don’t know about yourself queers, nevertheless took me a number of years in order to comprehend the intricate principles associated with ever-complicated girl-on-girl internet dating scene.

Listed here are 30 rookie errors I made, that At long last ceased making by the point I hit 30 and turned into the experienced lesbian I am these days. (Though I *might* possess occasional slip-up, but shh).

Oh, and child gays, please learn from my blunders. We put myself personally beneath the bus and come up with myself personally an un-dateable, red-flag-waving lesbian to help you have an improved dating existence than I actually ever performed.

1. Catching thoughts for a lady with a boyfriend.

This merely causes a smashed heart, a life-long distaste for every heterosexual-man-kind, and epic disappointment. We made this error in senior school and I also’m persuaded it screwed me right up for a lifetime.

PSA: Ladies, ladies, ladies. Don’t be seduced by a lady with a boyfriend. You’ll receive yourself into all kinds of problems. At the least wait until when they break-up and she’s sure she really wants to carry out more than simply “practice kissing” with you.

2. Hooking-up with a buddy’s ex.

The earlier lesbian friend that laughed at me personally throughout that life-changing evening at the club had been appropriate. “never shit for which you eat, kiddo.”

Honestly, “kiddo,” never take action. I’m sure it feels as though there are just ten appealing lesbians in your city and nine of these have actually dated one of your pals, but often get one lesbian thatn’t, or time beyond your town.

Hell hath no fury like a lesbian scorned by certainly her Sapphic friends. That grudge lasts an eternity.

3. starting up with a friend of a buddy’s ex.

I really don’t care and attention in the event the lady you would like is a buddy of a buddy of a friend of a buddy of a pal. If she actually is in any way tethered to a dyke you love, stay far, a long way away.

We’re a fierce lesbian group. Upset one of united states, upset all of us, baby.

(I’m sure, I’m sure. It sucks. This is the reason i favor as of yet long-distance; there isn’t neighborhood luggage to stress over.)

4. Trusting a f*ckboi.

If she seems like a Shane, speaks like a Shane, and walks like a Shane, it’s likely that she’s a Shane.

5. Assuming that because she’s a female, its impossible on her to get a f*ckboi


I do not proper care if she’s a butch, a femme, a stalk, a stud, a lip stick lesbian, a makeup lesbian or a chapstick lesbian—just because she actually is a self-identified girl does not mean she can’t be a f*ckboi. F*ckbois come in all forms, dimensions, and styles.

6. starting up with a bartender of my favorite bar.

It’s going to break apart and get shameful while, my personal nice darling, will not be in a position to enter your favorite bar once more, without the need to A) pop a Xanax (and that’s a bad concept if you’re ingesting) or B) simply take three tequila shots (that is a terrible concept as a whole).

7. U-Hauling.

I promised myself i’d not be the lesbian just who u-hauled until I was the lesbian whom u-hauled. Now I am the lesbian who’s officially never lasted a lease.

8. finalizing leases against my better wisdom.

These are leases, how many instances I dutifully finalized that godforsaken dotted range when my personal instincts had been shouting “never do so! This bitch is crazy!” is actually unfortunate, as you would expect.

9. dressed in my personal sweetheart’s leggings.

“will you be sporting my personal leggings?!” My personal girl mouthed to me after turning up later part of the to a yoga class. I found myself in downhill dog wanting to focus me. “What’s the issue?” We mouthed straight back.

“we can not discuss leggings! Its unsexy!” She mentioned aloud, startling the Republican girl resting in young child’s posture to her left.

In all honesty, she’s right. Revealing leggings could be the portal medication to peeing with the doorway open. And you also learn, every time you pee with all the doorway open before the sweetheart, a lesbian angel manages to lose her wings.

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10. dressed in my personal girlfriend’s denim jeans (without asking).

Once you begin getting in trouble for wearing your own girlfriend’s $300 developer trousers without asking, you are approaching cousin standing. Your own girlfriend will scream at you love you’re this lady annoying small aunt who takes all of her good shit. While


god forbid


one happens to appear a lot better than she really does in her denim jeans, well, pretty soon she will start planning on you as the lady annoying little cousin who takes most of her great crap. There is nothing beautiful regarding your gf associating the woman more youthful brother.

It is a guaranteed way to not have intercourse again.

11. making use of my personal gf’s brush.

Once you begin sharing a toothbrush, you lose your own identification totally. Before long you will come to be one particular scary lesbian couples which have morphed into the same person. Preserve your individuality, and rehearse a brush, please and thank you.

12. Flirting with my ex-girlfriend’s pals.

It’s an affordable adventure, but trust in me. Its terrible karma.

13. informing my personal sweetheart that the woman buddy was actually flirting beside me.

In case the girl’s pal is actually slightly flirting to you, simply pretend she is becoming super friendly and do not, ever drunkenly inform your girl.

Until you desire to be within heart associated with lesbian crisis, which. Which, yes, can be enjoyable for five moments, but rapidly turns out to be, uh, frightening…

14. Changing my girlfriend’s design.

If you inform your girlfriend she seems sexier in blazers than she does in panel shorts, she’ll resent you for the rest of the relationship.

Merely keep the mouth area sealed and accept the hottie for the board-short-sporting lesbian that she’s, OR find an authentic blazer-wearing girl. Because keep in mind: it’s not possible to change panel shorts into a blazer, it doesn’t matter what frustrating you take to.

(you could, for record, switch a homemaker into a ho).

15. Writing articles about being a crazy gf on the internet.

Not merely have I created articles describing exactly what a crazy bitch I am, but i am pissed-off when girls i am newly online dating assume i am a crazy bitch. “Well, did you not reveal it on the internet?” They’ll ask.



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16. Pretending to understand what lesbian gender was actually whenever I didn’t come with hint.

“naturally i am aware exactly what lesbian sex is actually. It is whenever um, you understand. Like, whenever a female becomes in addition to a girl…”

17. Pretending we realized how to scissor when I had no idea.

“I like scissoring!” We yelped at get older 16 once I thought scissoring meant undertaking arts and crafts together.

18. splitting up using my girl when we happened to be both on all of our intervals.

You should not make unexpected decisions if you are both bleeding.

19. getting wildly envious and possessive toward my personal girl whenever another makeup lesbian/femme kind joined the space.

In case your sweetheart will flirt, she is going to flirt. Functioning like a deranged, hyper-jealous mind situation isn’t really attending prevent anyone from performing everything. Actually, it’ll only aggravate the woman desire.

20. Flirting with female cops, TSA representatives, protection guards, and various other feamales in consistent because we thought they were homosexual.

We lust after a lady in a consistent, but sadly not absolutely all women in uniforms lust after me personally.


I adore those very long, pointy Lana Del Rey nails. However, my personal ex-girlfriend decided not to appreciate all of them whenever I attempted penetration with those fierce talons.

Oh, the sacrifices you fashion lezzies must make for gender! thankfully orgasms feel great than acrylic nails taste.

22. Faking an orgasm.

You may be capable fake sexual climaxes with males, you cannot fool your own personal gender, honey. Discovered this package the hard means.

23. non-safe sex, because, you are aware, “lesbians are unable to get STIs.”

I’m amazed I managed to make it away from my naughty stage (I state “slut” in an empowered means! Don’t worry!) without getting every STI under the sun.

I did not know just what a dental care dam was actually once I ended up being 21. I imagined it actually was anything they stuck in your mouth area during the dental expert. And I detest the dental practitioner.

24. Playing to the “helpless femme” stereotype.

Simply because community associates femininity with weakness doesn’t mean I have to play the role. Screw that. I put on heaps of makeup, look great in pale green, might save me from any problem.

25. Falling in love while lost at lesbian parties.

“Owen, i am in love” we as soon as slurred to my closest friend on now-defunct Williamsburg gay club “Sugarland.” The next early morning I woke with my center pounding and my personal mouth area as dried out due to the fact Sahara wasteland.

I was suddenly overloaded with uncomfortable thoughts of pronouncing my personal love to a woman whose name or face i really could perhaps not recall. For the following season, I stayed in incessant fear of working into this woman once more.


26. phoning my sweetheart my personal ex-girlfriend’s name.

Though used to do discover a terrific way to escape this. Should you call the girl the ex-girlfriend’s title, only repeat the immediate following:

“Oh babe, I’m SO sorry. We called you the woman title because We associate the lady with anxiety and I also’m pressured right now! There is a constant anxiety me out, which is why it seems foreign to state your beautiful title as I think pressured.” Works wonders.

“just a lesbian could consider that,” my good friend Kevin considered me personally as I told him the way I had gotten from contacting my girl the incorrect name. He isn’t incorrect.

27. planning I’d a “type.”

I familiar with think that We appreciated women with short hair who were bigger than me personally. Now I recognize I do not discriminate.

Butch, femme, stem, tall, brief


I love all kinds of lesbians (because French will say,


). Purr.

28. Playing difficult to get.

We always imagine if I blew off a romantic date or don’t content your ex We lusted over back, she’d at all like me much more. Then I realized that that video game does not work properly with ladies (at the very least not confident, mentally-stable women). It simply can make their genuinely believe that you’re a manipulative small twerp, and she doesn’t always have time for the, OK?

29. falling up-and telling a lady from the basic Tinder time I’d currently checked her Instagram.

“Oh, yeah, your own pet, Fred! He’s soooo sweet.”

“how can you know You will find a pet named Fred?”

Crickets. Crickets. And a lot more crickets.

30. Thinking the initial lady we ever dated was the passion for my life and this would I never conquer her.

The initial lesbian cut could be the strongest, but I vow you, my heartbroken infant lesbians, you are not meant to have the first lady you date. In reality, you mustn’t have initial woman you date. Your emotions are too out of whack, the stakes are way too large. Plus, so that you can know very well what you truly fancy, you have to get in there and time as many different ladies as possible.

Very dry those tears, babe. You’ll receive over the girl. I big-sister-lesbian guarantee.